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@WilliamAder: Me: I'm a tenor.
Her: You're a six, and I'm being generous.
@Karate_Horse: A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
@anymysha: Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
@oxygenplug: If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
@desi_princess: Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?