Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.