just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”