ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
spicy snake
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.