Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
this isn’t threatening at all
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.