ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.