ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine