ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You Might Also Like
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*