ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
79.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.