Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Time heals everything 🙂
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly