Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters