Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
the three branches of government
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.