me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
#Caturday
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.