Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
You Might Also Like
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Anyone really
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.