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@ClaytonSykes: Me: I'm done peeing!!
Khakis: No you're not.
@d_duhwit: Wife*comes home*: What's that noise?
Me: U said to give Tim an anvil
Wife: ADVIL! He should be in bed
Me: but..he's almost finished my sword
@michael_raphone: I've got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Please take the trash out
*later that night*
ME: I'm having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@buck4itt: Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.