*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
A little too much information.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.