Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
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