Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
🖤✌🏽
Life hack