Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”