Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
s
oc
i
a
l
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.