Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no