ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.