Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.