Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
My neck, my back, my…
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.