ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people