ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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Customer is always right
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
forgive me baja for i have blast
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Same pineapple, same
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.