Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Potatoes were such a good idea
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids