[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
#Caturday
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes