[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
You Might Also Like
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”