Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
asked my bf how work was today
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
🙁
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.