Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
It’s the weekend y’all
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.