Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I never needed anything more in my life
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.