me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…