Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
respect
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
dude it’s called proctologist
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*