Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My typo game is string.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?