Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
hmm conte-me mais
A choir of Spring onions
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My time has come.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again