#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
One of the best
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
…żyje?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.