[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
You Might Also Like
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Well, that didn’t work.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one