The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.