why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
The game has officially changed 😎
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice