Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!