me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
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He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Anime is real
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn