(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You Might Also Like
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.