Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My work here is don’t.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday