1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know