I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You Might Also Like
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.