ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Who.
Did.
This?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*