Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.