Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Canada has crack?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.