What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
You Might Also Like
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human