I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”